WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING TO ME? AKA A LAYER OF SMUDGE ANYONE?

My name is Constance Marie and I am covered in a layer of smudge.  Sounds glamorous right?  I don’t know when it happened, I don’t know how it happened, but I am officially covered in smudge.  Moms of America, you know exactly what I am talking about.  This smudge can start with something as simple as your eye glasses.  Suddenly, as if by some childlike magic there appears a thick layer of smudge that is covering your eye glass lenses CONSTANTLY!  Oh yes, you can wipe it, but ten minutes with your toddler and it comes right back.  You fight it at first, constantly wiping, cleaning, but then you think, “F it! I!ll just leave it.”  I mean I can still see.  I’ll just look around the cloudy parts.  But, the scary part; the smudge doesn’t stop there.  It spreads.  Oh baby, does it spread to these basic three categories: your clothes, your car, and last but so not least… your purse!

What exactly is smudge?  Let me explain.  Smudge could also be defined as a toddler’s remnants.  Like fairy dust but instead it’s little bits of mess.  Your clothes become magically covered in stickers, marker, questionable stains and my all time favorite… boogers!  Here’s an example.  One time, I went to a work meeting and I took my purse off my shoulder to grab something and I noticed rhinestone stickers on my purse so I quietly and discreetly picked them off and put my bag back on my shoulder.  A few minutes later I go into my bag again to get something and there are more rhinestone stickers on my purse!  They weren’t there just a few minutes ago and my daughter was not invited to this meeting!  So I pick those off and carry on.  At the end of my meeting I reach into my bag and there are more rhinestone stickers, like six this time, and I have no idea what is going on.  Until I look over my left shoulder towards the back where I have been replacing my bag every time and I am covered in about 10 more little rhinestone stickers!  Did I mention my daughter was a sticker stealth?  I don’t know when she put them there but they stayed the entire time only to keep coming off on my purse (and slowly driving me insane).  I also realized that NOT ONE PERSON POINTED OUT TO ME THAT MY LEFT SHOULDER WAS COVERED WITH MULTI-COLORED RHINESTONE STICKERS!!  Seriously my left shoulder looked like Michael Jackson… very shiny!  How they got there or when it even happened, I don’t know.  Another example, picture this.  Me, about to walk onto a red carpet to pose for photos and I look down and I see a long, milky white, streak on my nice, fancy blue shirt (what it is, I honestly am afraid to ask).  It wasn’t there when I got dressed but of course, then I said goodbye to my daughter. I’m about to walk in front of rows and rows of photographers so, Mothers of America, you know what I did.  I licked my thumb and tried to scratch it away.  WHAT ARE MY OPTIONS?!!  Come on, you know you feel me. You’ve been there.

Next up, my car!  The only way I can express my outrage about what has happened to my car is WTF?  Did a bomb go off in there or what?  It’s like a mini tsunami has flowed from the car-seat in the back and exploded everywhere!  Literally everywhere!  I’ve got tissues and stickers and half eaten food.  Don’t even get me started on the amount of raisins and O’s (the organic version of Cheerios) that litter every nook and cranny of this vehicle. I think I even smell a half eaten banana somewhere!  Honestly, I’m afraid to look.  Oh look, that’s where my make-up rolled to!  I’ve got utensils, used or not, I don’t know but I’m not touching them.  And the wads of tissues, baby wipes and half eaten fruit smoothies (without the top because you know it rolled under the seat), that are exploding out the little trash bins in the car doors are quite frightening.  I’m afraid to even tell you about my car windows.  The best part of all this… I JUST WASHED MY CAR TWO DAYS AGO!!

And last, but SO not least… my purse!  It says Gucci on the outside but inside it is like an unending black hole of crap.  I’ve got everything in there.  I JUST CAN’T FIND IT WHEN INEED IT!!  I’ve got band-aids, stickers, shoe laces, hand sanitizer, receipts from every grocery shopping trip I’ve ever taken, extra kids socks, a raisin snack box… did I mention more band-aids? I even have these things called Wicky Sticks. I don!t know what they are but they are some kind of sticky, bendy, toy sticks that make my daughter happy. I have crayons, post-its with lists of the many, many, many, many things I have to do and will try to squeeze into one day (totally not going to happen!).  If I can only find the list when I need it later in the day. You may have noticed, not one of these things is mine… okay maybe the post-its.  Add on top of all this, a cell phone, sunglasses, car keys, headphones, possibly some make-up I can never be sure…. oh yeah and money.  I might need some of that throughout the day.  It is just incredible and mind boggling to me the amount of stuff that fits into one bag.  What is also mind boggling, and I may have said this before is I CAN NEVER FIND ANYTHING WHEN I NEED IT!!  I KNOW it’s in there, I just put it in there, whatever it was that I needed.  Not just ten minutes ago right before my daughter called me about, oh I don’t know, I’m guessing 20 times in the last 15 minutes.  And now, I Iook in my purse and SURPRISE!  I can’t find what I need. This process and what my car, my clothes and my purse have become astounds me. Full disclosure, my house is starting to look a little shaky too.  I will admit I waste oh so many precious minutes literally walking around in circles or going from room to room to find things while I keep having to stop to answer my daughter who is repeatedly saying “Mama! Mama! Excuse me… MAMA!” Because you know if she’s using her manners, I HAVE to answer.

I used to be a very neat (mostly) and organized person.  I mean at least I knew where everything was. I could go right to it when I needed it!  Like a normal person!  My clothes matched perfectly and looked clean.  I even used to use a lint roller.  Now, I can’t even find the damned thing.  And you know what?  I don’t care because this is my new reality.  And I’ve learned I don’t have the time to look for the elusive frikkin’ lint roller. I’m too busy trying to find things in my damned purse!  I lost my make-up bag three days ago.  At this point, I’ve just given up.  This is the face I’ve got and if people don’t like it, don’t look at it!  Ok, I’m not totally crazy I do still have lip gloss and I think there’s some mascara on the floor of my car.  I can’t be sure.

The sad part of all this, is I used to quietly in the privacy of my own non-mommy mind, kind of judge my friends and other women like that overwhelmed disheveled lady at the grocery store.  I actually used to have the thought, “Come on, ladies. At least use a lint roller!”  Seriously, I could almost judge their entire day’s activities by the remnants on their clothes and if they had pets or not.

I have now transformed into that overwhelmed, disheveled lady at the grocery store.  Karma is going to be a bitch.  So to wrap up,,, my name is Constance Marie, and I am covered in a layer of smudge.  Let the judging begin!

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3 Responses to WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING TO ME? AKA A LAYER OF SMUDGE ANYONE?

  1. Maria says:

    Hands down, that was the best read of the year. Thank you. Thank you. I loved it. Found your site via Twitter…I’m still trying to figure tweeting all out, but loving it right now because, I got to read this. Unfortunately, I don’t have kids, but I revel in my friends’ kids and you described their cars to a tee. :)

  2. Crystal says:

    Hands down, that was the best read. I know what you mean in this blog because i see my mother go through so much for us. By the way your daughter is so adorable and she is gonna be a star just like her mommy !!!!!

  3. Cidalia Martins says:

    Ah, yes. The Smudge. Sounds like a great horror movie title, doesn’t it?

    My mini van is a mini disaster. It’s an accomplishment just to keep the house looking “reasonable.” I never thought a perfectionist such as myself would reach the point of settling for reasonable. Then I had kids and was introduced to the Smudge and his brother, Mess.