People.com Blog #11: Poop Pandemonium!

Topic this week – Poopology! Oh boy. Oh yes! I am gonna go there. Of course I had yet another first experience this week, and I would love to share it with all of you.

As you know I am not one to shy away from delicate topics, and I like to speak … well, let’s just say freely. So in keeping with that tradition — HERE WE GO!

As moms we’re used to the yuckies in life, right? Like it or not, we have come to learn there is a certain amount of yuck smooshed into all the yummy love of our children. We have embraced it! (To the best of our ability…)

We have become — dare I say — connoisseurs of the poop experience! We’re “professors of poo” or better yet, “poopologists!” Not because we necessarily want to be, but because when your baby is sick and the doctor looks you in the face and asks you to describe the frequency and consistency … Um, yeah — ya gotta be specific.

I always think, why don’t they just do a poop line up? Like a police line up but with flash cards! And no smell. Lord knows we don’t need smell-a-vision! Then we could just point instead. Right?

Anywho, sad to say we know the average time, consistency and size of our child’s poop! We can analyze each one. Seriously, sometimes at our house it’s like an episode of CSI … but I guess it would be called CPI (Certified Poop Investigation) instead!

Kent and I analyze which foods agree with her and which don’t — let’s just say Indian food doesn’t. ;)

For Luna Marie, I know the time of day and since she is a vegetarian, she’s usually like clockwork! Thank God. I have heard horrible stories of constipation in babies but my lil’ miss never has that issue. Every morning and several times a day, I see it in her eyes — that little “Uh-oh” look. Something’s going down! A couple grunts and BAM! It’s over. A little diaper change and voilà! No problemo!

Until the other day.

Luna Marie had an awesome “regular” day, until the evening. Which is fine, no biggie, we do not obsess. Dinner goes smoothly, she does her usually 20-30 laps while I chase her around the island in the kitchen, bathtime is a breeze and then night night!

But this time, Luna Marie had problems going to sleep. Sometimes she has a wet diaper (or two!) that needs to be changed, especially if she has a lot of water with dinner. So after going into her room twice to change her, she finally falls asleep. Whew! Mission accomplished!

Cut to 9:30 p.m. I’m working at the computer and I hear that familiar cry. I think to myself, “Man! Another pee?!” Geez! Is my work never done?

As per my routine, I go in and get ready to change her, but it’s really dark in her room — especially since I was just staring at the brightly lit computer screen! So I squint and try to focus, open her diaper … and then I freeze and sniff. Wait, did I smell something? Sniff again … Crap — pun intended — I smell something! My mind says, “OH NO! She didn’t! Did she?”

Just as my eyes get used to the dark, I see her hands move toward the diaper area. Oh no! I fight like a WWE wrestler to grab them and hold her still, at the same time leaning out verrrry slowly and turning on the light. Think of the game Twister — that’s what I looked like.

Click goes the light and I see every mom’s worst nightmare: I’m holding her two hands, covered in poop. My hand is also covered in it. The diaper has been kicked out from under and there is what looks like a softball-size BALL OF POOP lying on Luna Marie’s tummy!

I think, “How did this happen?! I am supposed to have this down by now!” I say, “Crap! Where do I start?” I have no hands left — how can this get any worse?

Well, I guess Luna Marie thought the expression on my face was hilarious. She starts laughing, wiggling and rolls to the side. OMG! In slow motion the ball of poop rolls off her tummy, bounces onto the changing table, then bounces again, arching through the air to plop on the floor with a splat, barely missing my foot!

There! That is how it could get worse! (Note to self: Never EVER ask yourself that question again.)

So there I stand. My next move? I’m not sure. Actually, I have no clue. But wait … Ah ha! I remember — KENT IS HOME!

I firmly hold Luna Marie’s hands and make sure not to move my foot. I gingerly lean over to the baby monitor camera, and yell in the sweetest, most loving voice possible, “HHHEEEELLLLPPPPP!!! I need help!”

To understand the monumental event that this was, just know that I pride myself on being able to handle it all. I am a first-born, type A, bossy control freak. Remember?! Of course I think I can handle it all. Most moms just do. We have to! Oftentimes we have no back up. The buck stops with us. But this time, I had to admit that I needed help. I am Constance Marie and yes — this diaper ambushed and defeated me.

To you my friends: here’s hoping you never meet a diaper like the one that got me! ;)

– Constance Marie

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One Response to People.com Blog #11: Poop Pandemonium!

  1. Margie Sawyer says:

    Just found your blog! We watch reruns of “The George Lopez Show” every night! I have triplets so I can totally understand about the poopology and the wayward contents of diapers! My triplets are 13 years old now but I still remember like it was yesterday when they awoke early from their nap and decided to paint each other and their nursery with the contents of their diapers!! I didn’t know where to touch anyone! Just put them all in the bathtub and starting mopping up everyone and everything! Your baby is gorgeous! So happy for you!!