ConstanceMarie.net

The Gift of Happiness

A long time ago I read a book about optimism.  I think it was when my daughter was eight months old.  I can’t remember exactly when but, one thing I know for sure, I WAS SLEEP DEPRIVED.  This book was about a study conducted about optimism and ultimately, happiness.  It was really interesting!  It broke down the theory, that you could pick different people from different walks of life, different ethnicities, different circumstances, different everything, and predict which people would report the highest degree of fulfillment and happiness.  Even if they came from horrible backgrounds or circumstances.  That didn’t seem to matter.  The one thing that these people all had in common was a core sense of optimism.  They viewed their circumstances through optimistic eyes.  Yes, even the bad circumstances.  They somehow knew that everything would turn out all right.

Of course I read this book while I was sleep training my precious little baby girl, because in my bleary eyed, sleep deprived desperation, I needed something to hold on to.  In those desperate hours of trying to get my kid to sleep I would read this book about optimism.  Just so you understand, the way we sleep trained her was by putting her down to sleep in her crib, giving her a kiss goodnight, then I would stand at the edge of her crib and pay her no attention and focus on reading my book.  So she understood that I was there, she was safe, but she had to fall asleep on her own.  She HAD to think Mama was busy, I was just there for moral support if she needed me.  (Of course if she fussed a little bit I would soothe her,, I wouldn’t just ignore her completely!  I’m not made of stone!)  But mostly, I ignored her.  When she would fall asleep I would leave the room.  The next time I put her down to sleep I would step a few inches further away from the crib, look down at this book and wait till she fell asleep.  I continued this process and stepped further and further away from the crib towards the door till my little girl learned to fall asleep in her crib on her own without me having to rock her.  Those few minutes were my only quality reading time.  But I digress!  This blog isn’t about sleep training, it’s about optimism!

That’s when I got the idea that no matter what the circumstances, the best gift I could give my daughter,, the gift that would pay off for the rest of her life, would be the gift of optimism/happiness.  That’s when I invented my morning routine.

Every morning, when I would wake up Luna Marie, of course after the mandatory few minutes of “cuddle time” and kisses and just plain being cozy in the bed, I would get up and open her blackout curtains (’cause you gotta HAVE blackout curtains to keep that kid asleep!) and I would say “Hello, Sun!” in my happy voice.  Then I would look back at Luna Marie and I would exclaim, “Oh my gosh, Luna Marie, it’s a beautiful day!”  She would exclaim “Really, Mama?!”  and she would be happy right from the beginning of the day.  I would do this routine every single morning, whether it was a cloudy day, a cold day or a sunny day.  So that way she learned that no matter what the circumstances, every day that she was alive was a beautiful day!  Sometimes on cloudy days she would come up to the window and say “But, Mama, I do not see the sun.”  I would reassure her, “Oh, the sun is there, it’s just hiding behind those beautiful grey clouds” (C’mon! Why can’t clouds be beautiful too?) and that would make her so happy to learn that A) clouds are beautiful too, and B) the sun was still there, she just couldn’t see it.  Then we would go downstairs and carry on with our morning routine.

My hope is that having this optimistic point of view about the beauty of waking up every day and all the wonderful things that she can make happen, will carry on through her life.  But ultimately, I think what my daughter is reminding me, is that every day that I wake up, is a beautiful day.  I just have to choose to see it that way.  And if you don’t believe me, I have the book to prove it!  I just have to find it.  I know it’s there, somewhere buried in all the rubble of our toys, dirty dishes, Christmas decorations and tons and tons of torn up wrapping paper!

I hope you have a happy day and spectacular New Year!

CM

Okay … this week: LETTING GO OF THE PACIFIER!

YEP, it was that time! Losing the pacifier time! And OMG I was sooooo dreading it! I had heard many, many horror stories. Like crooked teeth if kept too long … many struggles and failed attempts … and the scariest of all to me … children NEVER sleeping again!

I was terrified. Those of you who know me, KNOW I LOVE MY SLEEP!!! IF SLEEPING WAS A CATEGORY IN THE OLYMPICS, I COULD WIN US A GOLD MEDAL EVERY TIME! I am serious about my sleep.

Anyhoo, our little Luna Marie, was just past 2. The age that the doctor said we could lose the pacifier if we wanted. I had gotten it to where Luna Marie only used it at night.

I learned early on that I HATED that sleepy walk down the hall because she had misplaced the one she had in her mouth, so my little girl had three in her crib at all times!!! One for the left hand, one for the right hand and one for the mouth! That way she had enough to find one in a sleepy haze, which she did quite well (she was like a little mole — eyes closed, roaming her hands back and forth til she hit one), but not so many that she would be playing with them. This worked brilliantly…

So now I was going to remove the one thing that for years had helped her relax, calm down and feel at one with the world. I felt horrible. I felt nervous! I had heard many “paci removal stories” and weighed all the advice and approaches.

Luna Marie was at the age where sharing … well, it was not her favorite thing to do. The whole “we have to give your pacis to little new babies who need them” was not gonna work. Sharing shmaring — she could care less.

And the “paci fairy” didn’t seem like the way to go to me. I knew Luna Marie would be crying for me to call her back and tell her we made a mistake the first day! And how was I going to resist that??? Did I lose her number? Did she move? What would be my excuse?! Too many details, too complicated!

I needed something permanent to make sure neither she nor I folded, but something that wasn’t too hardcore that would make me feel like the worst mother in the whole world.

And then ding! I remembered a story I heard about burying the pacifiers and having them turn into lollipops! So of course I stole it. That would be my master plan!!!

For like two weeks, I reminded Luna Marie that since she was a big girl and not a baby she would have to say “bye bye” to the pacis soon. When I told her she seemed fine with it … I think she just was so excited I was calling her a big girl. Which, I don’t know why, but she wants to be a big girl SO BADLY! (Crazy part, when we are older we always want to be younger! There is something wrong about that, but that is another blog!)

The night before BYE BYE PACIFIER Day comes … I tell her that we are down to five pacifiers. So what we are going to do in the morning is PLANT THEM in the ground. For every paci she plants, IF she sleeps the whole night, A LOLLIPOP would grow!! She was SO happy at this concept! Seriously not a moment of dread or fear … nada!

Morning comes. I had preselected two pots and got all her little gardening tools ready and said, “COME ON! LET’S PLANT SOME PACIFIERS!” I paused for like a millisecond before grabbing the last five and thought, “Wait, maybe I should leave one out, just in case she can’t do it?!” But I thought, “I know if I leave one … I will buckle.”

So I grabbed them all and off we go! To the front … to plant us some pacifiers!

I am so worried, but figured I would just keep on going til she started to balk … then we sat down, had our watering can ready, dug our holes, and OMG! She could not chuck those pacifiers into the dirt fast enough! Literally tossing them in two at time! I couldn’t dig holes in time!!

I was in shock! I kept saying, “Luna Marie you have to say ‘Bye bye paci! I am a big girl, I don’t need you anymore, I can sleep without you!’” And she just rattled it off like it meant nothing! She was soooo focused on the lollipops I guess! So we threw dirt on them (I knew I wouldn’t pull one out so I couldn’t go back), we patted them down, and we put water … NOW WE WAIT!

Cut to nap time! I remind her, “We buried the pacis and they are going to grow into lollipops … so no paci at nap time.” SHE LOOKED AT ME IN SHOCK like her heart dropped! Like she just at that moment got it! … C R A P!

THEN STARTS THE BEGGING!!! She says, “NO NO NO!!! PACIS PLEASE!!! I LOVE MY PACI. PLEEEEEZE!” Yep… NOW my heart is breaking … then racing …”ARE THERE ANY HIDDEN ANYWHERE???!!!” I THINK TO MYSELF. NO! CRAPPITY CRAP CRAP!…

I try to soothe her, tell her, “Remember, lollipops will grow … if you sleep!” I ask her to try … to which she croaks out an “Okay Mama…” Yes, I feel like the Grinch who stole Christmas.

The nap kinda goes well … a lot of crying and moaning … and then boom! She did it! Wow!

Cut to night time. Once again, I remind her she is a big girl … no more pacis … and tomorrow lollipops would grow. AGAIN WITH THE CRYING. NOW I know for sure I am the worst mother in the whole world!

I soothe, I remind, I rock a bit … and then I give her her lovey Limey — a little soft colored toy — and I say, “Limey will keep you company til you sleep.” This actually worked. I was amazed — first night, she actually fell asleep! UNTIL 2 A.M.!

At 2 a.m., it starts all over!!! The begging, the crying, the pleading … it has to be the saddest thing I have ever seen. I soothe, I REMIND, “When the morning comes, we will look and see if lollipops grew!” This phrase slowly does the trick. Once again, she tries to sleep.

Somehow, she makes it through the night. WHEW!!! She slept. Me, not so much. I was always on edge, thinking,”Is she gonna wake? Can she do it? Are there REALLY no more pacifiers in my diaper bag?! Why did I have to do it now?! Is it too gross, if I were to dig one out of the dirt?!” I thought it all!

I fell asleep for a few hours (I think) and when I woke, I ran downstairs and lovingly wrapped an organic lollipop in aluminum foil… with a stem and a lil leafy thing so I could poke it into the ground!

I know it’s ridiculous. I was so worried about the presentation. DUH! IT’S A LOLLIPOP!!! KIDS WILL CHEW OFF THEIR OWN ARM FOR CANDY!!! OF COURSE SHE WILL LOVE IT! I just couldn’t help it … I wanted it to be pretty.

Luna Marie wakes up. I PRAISE HER like she just graduated from Harvard!!! Seriously, I couldn’t stop gushing!!! And immediately she says, “I WANT TO SEE IF A LOLLIPOP GREW!” I tell you it was just like Christmas!

She ran to the door, trying to open it … she’s 2 so of course she couldn’t! But she was bouncing off it trying so hard … and then I helped her. She ran out into the front yard and stopped. She sees it, then she screams so loud, “MAMA A LOLLIPOP GREW!!! I AM A BIG GIRL NOW!!!”

The smile that spread on her face was huge! Perfect and precious! Honestly, I think I started crying! I was just so happy for her. (I am a wuss, I know.) Then she ran, dug it out and started dancing! I kid you not … you know, the happy food dance! I live on a busy street, so she told the neighbor Jim … she told the woman walking the dog! She was gushing to anybody and everybody!

And just like that, I felt like the GRINCH WHO SAVED CHRISTMAS! I wasn’t such a horrible mom after all. UNTIL I told her she had to wait til after breakfast to eat it!!! Oh boy!

THANK YOU LOLLIPOPS! YOU SAVED MY LIFE!

IS MY KID SMARTER THAN ME? Wait! Is it smarter than I? Never mind.

Okay — well, if any of you have been following me via Twitter or on Facebook, you know … I work hard at being the best mom I can be. But I have to admit, I have had it kinda easy … my kid sleeps (mostly), always ate and if I explained things to her … she pretty much minds me! Cut to … NOW IS IT POSSIBLE SHE IS SMARTER THAN ME? Seriously? She is only 2!

Here are two examples of Luna Marie getting the upper hand.

HITTING: When it first happened (don’t get me wrong), it was actually funny.

Luna Marie would be in her gym class, she would be standing near another kid … and she would be quiet, not even interacting with the other kid. Most of the time the child didn’t even notice her. Luna Marie would start looking the kid up and down for a long time, taking them in … and then suddenly she would WHIP OUT her arm and BAM!!! Tap that kid with gusto! Outta nowhere!!!

Of course, I explained to Luna Marie that, “It is not okay to hit people or babies. You can hit your TOYS or ball if you are upset BUT NO BABIES OR PEOPLE!” The crazy part is she wasn’t even upset or fighting with the kid … she was frickin’ stealth!!! Just quietly standing there then, BAM!

I taught her she HAD to make amends … say she was sorry and then retouch the kid gently. Then my genius child decides it is better as a three step process! To do the WHOLE ROUTINE! BAM! SAY SORRY … THEN TOUCH GENTLE! OMG!!!

Needless to say … she got the lesson I taught her … then figured out a way to make us both happy! OY!

SIGN LANGUAGE: So when I started filming my new series, Switched at Birth, I had to learn sign language. I had a great deaf tutor coming to my house, every day (because I had to learn sign language almost faster than humanly possible, but that is another blog).

His name is Anthony and he has a VERY kind energy … (he is good with kids!). I prep Luna Marie that Anthony cannot hear and he does not speak — he only talks with his hands in sign language. She doesn’t really get it, but wants desperately to meet Mama’s teacher! So she wakes from her nap and I let her come in the office to meet Anthony … SHE JUST STARES AT HIM.

Anthony gestures, “Hi” and shows her a few signs — for mama, dada, milk, apple and cookie — ya know the basics! She is in awe!

I think to myself, “Poop! I wish I had taught her sign language like my other mommy friends,” but Luna Marie spoke so early, I didn’t think I had to! Who knew I would be doing a series where I had to become fluent in sign language?! Life, right?

Well, Luna Marie became obsessed with signs! Good, right? Of course, every time Anthony came over she wanted a new sign. “Happy,” “bed,” “baby” … and she learned so fast! I was in awe. She remembered them all and one day, asked Anthony to give her the names for all the characters in the show Yo Gabba Gabba! (She doesn’t get to watch TV but we showed her one episode over and over about birthdays, so she understood the party concept — but that is another blog.)

To which Anthony signed, “What the heck is that?” I explained, and he sweetly did his research and comes up with name signs for them!

Foofa — Opening your hand on top of your head like a flower
Muno — Making a circle in front of your forehead with your hand, like a one-eyed monster

(FYI — That is how a person gets a name sign, a deaf person has to give it to you.)

Luna Marie was soooo happy! And for a long time she would show us her signs … then one day … she was over it. I would ask her to sign, and she decided she didn’t want to or would change the sign to how she wanted to do it! So I didn’t force it.

Cut to weeks later. We are putting Luna Marie to bed and I had learned a routine — that if she keeps playing or messing around in the crib, you just go in silently, no talking, no engaging, just silence so it isn’t fun. We would check her diaper and put her back down, then leave, so she gets playtime is over and it’s time for nite nite. It really worked well. Mostly she got it…

TIL ONE NIGHT. She was soooooo feisty, flipping on the changing table … rolling around, giggling … and seriously just having a party … and I like the irritated, silent sentinel … just changing that frickin’ diaper, face expressionless. I was so tired and could only keep thinking, “PLEASE GOD LET THIS END!” I just wanted to get back to sleep.

And then she does it… SHE STARTS SIGNING!!! WITH SUCH GUSTO … “MAMA” “HAPPY” “HAPPY” “DADA” …

CRAP!!! IT WAS HILARIOUS! She knew she wasn’t supposed to be speaking and I wasn’t gonna speak to her, so she TRIES SIGN LANGUAGE!!!

I am stifling laughter soooo hard, I have to bite my lip! And turn away because I am totally cracking up!!! I grab another glimpse and now she is working even harder …

SHE IS NOW WHISPERING “HAPPY!!!!” “HAPPY!!!” then she kicks it into overdrive!!!

“MUNO” “FOOFA” “BROBEE” “PLEX” “TOODEE” AND YES!!! LAST BUT NOT LEAST “DJ LANCE” SHE DID THE WHOLE Yo Gabba Gabba ROLE CALL!!! (If you don’t know those characters ask your friends!)

She is soooo sneaky … SHE HADN’T SIGNED IN WEEKS! When she needed it most she whips it out!!! OMG! What is a mother to do?!?!

FYI, it didn’t work … I didn’t break! Well, if you don’t count my body quivering with silent laughter as I put her down! I was a rock … sorta.

Frickin’ kid is a genius. I am in big trouble!

– Constance Marie